Today I’m Your Friend Who’s Way Too Comfortable Talking About Masturbation

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Today, I’ve masturbated three times before lunch and texted to keep you updated the way I always do.

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Sure, I have a wife, but honestly who knows what you want and need more than yourself?

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My wife is okay with it, I try to tell you. If anything it helps. Takes the pressure off her.

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She laughs about it. Says, Isn’t he a real catch? 

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Today, I’ve been masturbating to those stepmom videos where they always have to say, It’s okay, I’m just your stepmom. 

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Or c’mon mom, you’re just my stepmom. No one needs to know.

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Fucking fucked up, right? 

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But yo that step-incest shit just rubs me the right wrong way, know what I’m saying?

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And I don’t even have a stepmom? 

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Shit, my parents’ve been happily married for fifty years. 

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My old man, now, you should see the type of nudie mags he was into, fuck. 

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Today I’m your friend who compares sexual fantasies with his seventy-year-old father.

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Today I’m your friend who tells you that his mom probably hasn’t had an O since 1964.

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Today I’m your friend who’s always adjusting himself as he tells you about the latest sex toy they’re shilling on pornhub. 

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You should see the shit they got now, I tell you while adjusting myself. 

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It’s like a carwash for your dick… if the whole point of a carwash was to blow your load.

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Today, I’m the friend who bullies you into talking about your sexual predilections.

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Don’t be such a pussy, dude. It’s unhealthy—you can’t keep it all inside… Know what I mean?

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Know what? No, I got you. You’re into some sick sick sickass shit aren’t you? 

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That’s why you’re such a pussy. 

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You’re probably into My Little Pony shit, right? One of those dirty Bronies?

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That’s what happens when you try to keep things all inside, man.

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It comes out at the worst times and the worst places, know what I mean? 

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But yo, even that’s okay. Everybody’s got their kink, bro.

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No kink shaming here.

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I just worry about you man. 

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I just don’t want to see you become one of those dark net viral videos—know what I’m saying. 

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Type of shit where you lose your job, your friends, and they put you in the joint with the rest of the loony toon sexual deviants.

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Today I’m that friend who’s just looking out for you. 

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Today I’m that friend who just wants you to get comfortable enough with your own sexuality that you maybe agree to watch me masturbate and I watch you masturbate so I can give you tips of the trade and really get to know each other. 

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Become like more than bros. 

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Become banging bros.

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drevlow is EIC of BULL & poet laureate of bullshit city, usa. You can check out more of his shit at thedrevlow-olsonshow.com or on twitter, insta, face, bsky, & threads @thedrevlow.