The Sears Incident

 

I was sitting at my computer one day in my room, which just happens to be my parents' basement, but that's not important. I was practicing my favorite hobby, appreciating Kumiko-chan hentai (for the layman, that means sexual images drawn in an animated, usually Japanese, style). Grabbing a wad of toilet roll paper from my cluttered desk with one hand, and unzipping my jeans with the other, I was about to whip my uncircumcised cock out as it was engorged with blood, when suddenly my mother burst through the door.

My mother was a portly, obese woman, with gray, short, and curly hair, fogged up glasses, and wearing a polka-dot dress. She started saying something, but I wasn't really paying attention. I just nodded my head, but she kept talking and I was getting really annoyed, so I yelled, "OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Her face turned beet red, as she brandished her rolling pin, and screamed back, "DON'T YOU FUCKIN' RAISE YOUR VOICE TO ME!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She threw the rolling pin directly at my head, which was such a shock that it knocked me out of my chair with my jeans down to my ankles. Thankfully, I was still wearing my boxers and had yet to whip my cock out, but still.

The door to the basement was still open, so my father came in and asked, "What's going on in here?" He was quite the lanky individual, being over six feet (183cm) tall. He also had disheveled hair, glasses, and a mustache, and was wearing a tie as he presumably just came home from work (I didn't know for sure because I never left my room). He had noticed my mother and I on the floor wrestling with each other, like cartoon characters getting in a fight, but without the dust. He then yelled, "Hey! What the FUCK! Stop it! Stop it now!"

That was the beginning of the incident that would change my life forever.

What happened directly afterwards isn't really relevant, but what you do need to know is that eventually we all came to an agreement. Apparently, what my mom was saying as I was about to jack off, is that I needed to get a job. I really didn't want to do this, as being a wagecuck is "ghey," as we used to say when I was in middle school, but my father was about to retire, and we were already a lower class family. The money my parents had left over wouldn't have been able to support us all. Not to mention, for the past fifteen years I had been helping my parents out by giving them my Social Security Disability Insurance paychecks each month for rent, but with Sarah Palin in the White House, all entitlement programs had been cut, which made the situation even more urgent.

At first, my job search went terribly. I figured, with all of my experience as a janitor on 4chan, and especially as a lead moderator on GameFAQs in the 2000s, I would have been able to get any job I desired, so I applied for some managerial roles. I was especially most looking forward to applying for the opening they had for a manager at GameStop, which would've been a dream come true for me. However, as you probably can guess, I never heard back from them.

I told my online friends about this on the Discord server dedicated to Kumiko-chan no Daibōken (my favorite animé, i.e. Japanese animation). Nobody responded besides my older, more experienced friend Johnathan, who interacted directly with Elon Musk himself on X: The Everything App. A much more enviable position compared to my own, being a lowly 4chan janitor. He also had a job as a cashier at Kmart, but that's less impressive. He told me, "Dude, your standards are way too high. You need to start with an entry-level job where they'll just hire anyone." In retrospect, what he was saying made sense, so I lowered my standards and applied to be an associate manager at GameStop, instead of a head manager.

Surprisingly, I actually scored the interview! I thought it went really well. When the interviewer asked me what my greatest strengths and weaknesses were, I told him I had no weaknesses. I figured that would get me the job for sure. He even told me I was one of the best people he interviewed that day, and I was very likely to get hired on! As soon as I got home, instead of doing my daily routine of logging in to get my daily rewards on all my favorite gacha games, I waited patiently by my phone, waiting for GameStop to call me back.

A whole month had gone by, and still no word. At this point, I figured I needed a backup plan while GameStop was still figuring out the details to hire me. Especially since my parents said they would kick me out if I didn't find work within the next two weeks. So I took my friend Johnathan's advice to the extreme and applied for literally every job I could find online. However, even after that, I only got one interview offer: a document processing clerk at Sears. However, it was through a temporary contracting agency called UrbanArch Staffing Solutions. Figured that was better than nothing, though. The only difficult part was talking to UrbanArch Staffing Solutions' recruiter on the phone, a lady named Sarah from Florida, who had a very thick Indian accent. Now, I'm not racist, as I'm friends with all kinds of ethnics, but I just couldn't understand anything she was saying. Thankfully, we also communicated through email. That's how I was able to find out the interview location, which is also where I'd be working if I got hired.

The interview was at an office building rather than an actual Sears store location. I had not seen an actual Sears store in a while, anyway, so I was surprised the company was still around. The bespectacled female secretary walked me into a conference room, where waiting for me was a tall but overweight Latino man named Julian. He was wearing a shirt featuring a realistic monkey wearing sunglasses and holding a gun, with text saying, "Fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah's Ark, and brother, it's starting to rain."

Strangely, the first question he asked was not about what work I'd be doing or my experience, but what my hobbies were. I just told him I was a fan of video games, anime, and cartoons, and he brightened up, saying, "Dude, me too! I'm a gamer, just like you!" It made me feel at ease, like I was among my own people. On the other hand, he also asked, "So you're a fan of The Legend of Korra?" I didn't know what he meant at first, until I remembered that the shirt I was wearing that day said "Airbending Academy" with the Air Nomad symbol on it. I got a major case of second-hand embarrassment from the fact that he associated "Airbending" with The Legend of Korra and not Avatar: The Last Airbender, but I bit my tongue out of politeness. Despite him asking a few questions, a large majority of the interview was him just talking about himself, though I didn't think anything of it at that moment.

After the interview, I took the bus home, and a few hours later, I was there. This time, I didn't even need to take a break from my gacha games, because Sarah called me as soon as I entered the basement. I still couldn't understand her, but it sounded like I got the job! My first day would be the next Tuesday. I was so excited. Well, I wasn't looking forward to working, but I figured it would be nice for my parents to stop bugging me. I also thought it would put me on the path to finally getting a girlfriend, after being single for nearly thirty-nine years. I didn't want to be The 40-Year-Old Virgin! Another plus is that my mom let me use her car to drive to work, since she didn’t go out much anymore anyway.

My first day finally arrived, and the secretary walked me through the nearly-empty office building to the orientation room. There were five other people who got hired at the same time I did, seemingly from different staffing agencies. None of them were hot girls, unfortunately. Our manager, who turned out to be Julian, came to the front of the room and began his speech. "Sears is like a family," he said, "and family helps each other out." In another part of his address, he said, "This will be the most important and inspiring career you've ever had. I know that's how I feel. That's how I worked my way up to become a manager. You need to be a hard worker, just like me, in order to find success at this company. If not, well... It's not going to work out," he said with a smile. Sometime after that, I started daydreaming about Kumiko-chan again, so I don't really remember what else he said. However, much like with our interview, I don't think he said anything regarding our actual work, because one of the other new hires, an elderly woman, asked, "So what will we be doing here?"

"Oh, right," Julian said. "Don't worry about that, you can learn on the job. The person next to you will teach you how to do it." We walked to the room where we'd be working, a medium-sized office, and took our seats. The girl at the desk next to mine was actually kind of cute. Immediately, I imagined us getting married, growing old together, sitting in our rocking chairs on the porch, reading our manga. We introduced ourselves, and it turned out her name was Jessica, and during our ensuing conversation, she offhandedly mentioned that her boyfriend used to work here. Well, so much for our marriage. She also said she used to work for a staffing agency, but eventually got hired on permanently. "I'm a very ambitious person. I think I'll get promoted to supervisor soon." I then noticed she had a figure of Kyubey from the animé Puella Magi Madoka Magica on her desk. I asked her if that was her favorite character from the show. "Oh, this? I don't know what it is. I just bought it because it looks cute." "Yeah, that fits," I thought to myself. "She'd be in for quite a surprise if she actually watched it..."

She was still nice, though. "This job is pretty simple. All you have to do is grab a stack of papers from that table there, and sort them into alphabetical order. There's other stuff we do too, but you can start out with that for now." Indeed, it wasn’t too difficult. Throughout the first week, I learned the various functions of my role, and I thought I was probably getting the hang of it after about two weeks. I wasn't worried about things getting much harder, either, as I often saw Julian asleep at his desk. That gave me the impression that this occupation would be quite relaxing, even for a manager.

Meanwhile, on the Kumiko-chan no Daibōken Discord server, my friends were very jealous of me, as Johnathan and I were the only regular users with "real" jobs. We ostensibly had a lot of fun events at the office, too, such as "Pet the Kitties Day." I say ostensibly, because every time they were brought up at our weekly meetings, the speaker had to clarify that only permanent employees could attend, and not temporary contractors like myself and the other new hires. I wanted to attend these events really bad, which is why I worked my hardest to get hired on long-term.

Things seemed to be going well, until September 11, 2025, a day that would live in infamy.

The previous night, I had stayed up late binging "Himouto! Umaru-chan," an animé from the previous decade I had missed out on, which was one of the greatest things I had ever seen. Well, obviously, it couldn't hold a candle to Kumiko-chan, but nothing could. Anyway, during our lunch break that day, I didn't really feel that hungry, and I was a little tired, so I just stayed at my desk and shut my eyes to rest. I didn't fall asleep or anything though, and before I knew it our break was over.

Later that afternoon, Julian came up to my desk and stated, "Robert, can I borrow you for a minute?" "Sure," I replied. Must be a monthly meeting where he's going to tell me how well I'm doing. When we walked into his office, I went in first, and he followed, locking the door behind us. When I heard the "click," a large bead of sweat went down the side of my head, just like in an animé.

"We have some feedback for you, Robert," Julian began. "Some of your co-workers have witnessed very concerning behavior from you. They saw you falling asleep at your desk." I responded that I didn't actually fall asleep, I was just resting my eyes, and it was during lunch. He basically just ignored me and responded, “Well, people saw you doing it. So I just wanted to give you that feedback.” I thought that was pretty ironic, seeing as how that nearly every day, he actually does fall asleep at his desk during working hours and snores very loudly, but of course, I didn't say that out loud.

"Listen, Robert, it's not optional to follow workplace expectations." He carried on. "This is a very important job we have. People depend on us, and we can't let them down. You have to put everything you have into this. If you don't, well... It's not going to work out," he smiled, again. He continued talking about how he became a manager and the various employees who it didn't "work out" with, and how you need to "set us up for success," like he did. I got the feeling he thought very highly of himself and enjoyed the sound of his own voice, because his spiel continued on for about thirty more minutes, with me barely saying anything.

Eventually, he was done, and concluded with, "Well, Robert, don't worry about it, man. You're not going to get fired. Just keep at it," and patted me on the shoulder. That made me feel a little better, I guess, but there was something odd about the man I couldn't quite put my finger on. Despite that, I continued work as normal and finished the day. The next day was Friday, which was pretty uneventful as well.

On Monday, I got to work and tried scanning my badge against the card reader, but it glowed red and made a beeping noise. "That's weird," I thought to myself. "Must be a Pibby glitch." I pushed the door open, but it wouldn't budge. Of course, it crossed my mind that perhaps I did get fired after all, but Julian assured me I wouldn't, and I trusted him. After all, he's a gamer. Gamers don't lie.

The security guard saw me through the glass and opened the door for me. "Don't worry, I'll let you in. I think there's just something wrong with your badge. Let me call your manager to see if he knows anything." He went to his desk, picked up the phone, and dialed a number. Someone was speaking to him on the other line, but I couldn't make out what they were saying. The security guard answered them. "Uh-huh. No, don't touch it. It's not a problem. Just leave it to the professional." He put the phone down, looked at me, and stated, "Robert Leland Frost, the manager wants to see you in his office."

"Uh oh," I thought. "Middle name."

I made the trek to Julian's office, dreading about what was about to come next. Curiously enough, he seemed quite jovial. "Come, my friend! Sit down!" After I sat down, he continued and made some small talk, like how are you doing, how was your weekend, and such. I told him I was doing well. In actuality, I was a bit nervous that I was going to get fired, but to my relief, it seemed like the conversation was not going in that direction. He then proceeded to talk about "this epic animé [he] discovered on Reddit called Solo Leveling," among other things. As usual, I wasn't able to get a word in. Finally, he concluded with, "Well, let me cut right to the chase." (Strange thing to say as he didn't do that at all.) "You've made too many mistakes, so regretfully I have to inform you we've ended your contract." I was really confused. I asked him, "But you said I wouldn't get fired? What happened?" Julian responded. "Well, let me lay it to you straight. You're fucked up. You talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded."

Okay, he didn't literally say that last part, but it felt like he did. Apparently I made some other mistake on Friday without realizing it. I don't remember exactly what he said I did, though, because at this point all I could hear was ringing in my ears, as I fell to my knees in slow motion, crying, much like Walter White in the groundbreaking episode of Breaking Bad titled Ozymandias. I also think I shit my pants. "Welp, see ya," Julian said as he got out of his chair and walked out of the office.

I laid on the floor for a few minutes, but eventually I got up and tried walking back to my desk to get my things, but one of my co-workers, Kenneth, was blocking my path. "Nuh-uh, girl frand," he said, moving his head back and forth and wagging his finger like a sassy black lady, even though he was a skinny white dude. He handed me a cardboard box filled with my animé figurines and the other belongings that were at my desk, and was like, "Here's your shit. BYEEEE!!!! BYE-BYE!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA" and slammed the door shut.

I was in disbelief. I thought I was doing so well with my work, and didn't even know there were any issues until last Thursday, and now, out of the blue, I was let go. I had almost saved up enough money to move out of my parents' basement, but that dream is dead now. Not to mention, how am I supposed to get a girlfriend if I don't have a job?

Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse, I drove back home, only to find all my other belongings outside on the porch. I wouldn't have reacted this way normally, but considering everything else that had just happened, I was livid. "WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!" I yelled. My mom came outside and said, "Mr. Reyes called and told us you got fired. We told you months ago that if you didn't have a job, we'd kick you out, so we're kicking you out. You can keep my car, though." I begged and pleaded with her, but she packed my suitcase and sent me on my way. A few days later, Sarah from UrbanArch Staffing Solutions called me and said something like my assignment had ended and to not to contact anyone from Sears. Yeah, no shit.

For a while after that, I was living out of my mom's car and slept overnight in the Circle K parking lot, down by the river. Good thing I had some money left over, but it was running out fast. I didn't know what to do. Having no job prospects, no life, and no girlfriend, I figured it was basically over.

To try and make sense of things and work out where to go from here, I decided to write a story about the events that had transpired ever since my parents asked me to get a job. The first person I showed it to was Damien Keller, a fat little man on the Kumiko-chan Discord server. He said it sucked.

Oh well. I’ll figure it out eventually. I can’t let Kumiko-chan down, after all.